The Truth

I've kept this quiet for a long time because I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I didn't even tell the depressing feelings in blogs/facebook, anywhere. I tried to hide it.  I put on a happy face. In fact for months, the only people that knew this was my dad, my mom, and Scott.  But, I'm feeling much better about it and would like to put it down in writing: I'm suffering from postpartum depression.  At the beginning of August, I lost all control.  I finally let Scott know my feelings, in which he replied, "I wondered, because you haven't been yourself." And as I thought back on my thoughts and emotions since the ending of my pregnancy.  Outside of my family I felt alone.  I felt I had no one I could rely on and no one wanted to be around me.  I preferred to stay inside then have to go out.  I remember being invited to a friend's baby shower and Scott had to convince me I needed to go.  But all I could think of was "Why?  They're only trying to be nice, they don't really WANT me there."  I went, and I forced myself to be social, but all the while I couldn't stop thinking that they don't want me there.  These types of thoughts haunted my every waking moment.  I had convinced myself that I was not wanted by anyone but family.  And while I love my family dearly, everyone wants friends.  Scott has encouraged me to call a friend to go out with.  I try, but I still struggle with the thought of "who would want to hang out with me."  I was put on anti-depressants.  I started feeling better and Scott always encouraged me to express my feelings to make sure that they weren't building up anymore.

I have come to accept that I am battling a mental disorder and am okay with it.  I still have days where they're bad, but not nearly as bad as those days soon after Tyler was born.  I am currently weaning myself off the anti-depressants.  I'm ready to be done.  These pills have made me gain weight and that definitely doesn't help the situation either (who ever thought that would be a good side effect of anti-depressants was a moron!)  Scott still encourages me to go out with friends, but as I mentioned the thoughts come through that I'm not wanted.  He also encourages me to talk to him. 

I'm so lucky to have married someone so amazing.  He has never talked down to me, he has never belittled me, he has never called me a name, he has never told me ideas were stupid or not worth anything.  He has only shown me unconditional love.  I often wonder how I have ever deserved him.  I do know for a fact though, that I couldn't have battled this depression without him.